the oneliner

Memo to mind: Stop the obsession.

well, i don't want to get a beta. i have to go to an enormous hospital in the city to take a hospital preg. test that is so weak that it won't be positive until i'm 12 weeks which i probably won't ever be...

only to be told to go to the lab where i will wait for at least an hour until an overworked underpaid worker jabs me with a needle. i won't get the results until mid-week next week when some condescending nurse will tell me at best that i am PG whereby i'll have to go through the whole thing in two days. or that its negative. i hate betas. can you tell?

i never got AF. so when i came home i checked my cervix...and there wasn't even a hint of pink. so i took the progesterone that i am supposed to be taking after o.

i'm still convinced that i'm not. but if there is any chance, i decided to take progesterone.

i think if i don't get a better positive by sunday (i'm thinking i won't even test again until then) i will stop taking the progesterone and gear up for next month's IUI.

i really don’t think I am. But why then didn’t AF come? and were it going to show up tomorrow then I think I would have had at least a hint of pink in my cm.

the only other time I’ve taken progesterone AF came on her on schedule while I was taking it….so *hopefully* it won’t delay what would probably have happened anyway.

If I am…why the insanely low temp? It couldn’t be implantation b/c I’ve already got a faint BFP (you would laugh out loud if you saw how faint. Seriously it’s like a shadow. Although k saw it too…even through a shower door with steam).

And my temp *might* (probably not) have been so whacky to reflect my whacky night. Which i'm not convinced that i remember so well. I got up at 3ish and took my temp which was 98.7. Went downstairs in my summer night gown and was very cold b/c the temperature dropped a lot last night and the heat wasn’t on. I think I went back to bed and turned the fan on at 4 and took my temperature again at 5 when it was the dreaded 98.1.

You can’t get an implantation dip after implantation right? And wouldn’t a HPT be positive after 14 DPO if it was ever going to be?

This is so funny. Sort of. Ok not so much. I wish I were a calmer person who could wait to test until next week. But it is just not in me to test a week after AF is due.

Hoping for a miracle but resolved to focus on the positive even if I m/c and am very hopeful about next month's IUI.

Um...........

So, I’m sure that this isn’t happening. 

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But my LP ended today. And my temperature. Well, here’s my chart. The only time my temperature has been this high at 13 DPO was then.

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I did use some funky lotion with a very samll amount of progesterone in it for two days after ovulation. Could that be it? My DPO may be off(although...i don't think so).

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I’ve tested 2x. Is a negative a negative at 13 DPO ?!?!(not FMU)(really at conference u.)(have you ever pee'd in a cup in a sheraton hotel? ok, anyone besides, Watson?.)

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I know it looks promising….but I in no way feel PG. At all. Last time, everything smelled ten times stronger and I was sicky.

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Although, this chart looks exactly like the one the last time i got PG...its eerie. Low, low, pre-o temps and insanely high at the end of the 2ww. But, our chances of a natural pg'y are about 3%....

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I know its negative to even think this….but I’m afraid that I’m going to be barely PG again and then m/c and then our IUI that I’ve been dreaming about will be off indefinitely.

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Any ideas?

**UPDATE....so, i got a positive yesterday...after the time limit. and i had to stand on the toilet in a hotel to hold it under the light to see it...but it was there. we were elated. too much too soon.

This morning, I got a BFN on one test and then a faint, faint, faint, BFP on another. Then I checked my temp. which is 98.1.

So, as i feared...I am having another early, early m/c. I cried for awhile..but i'm ok. At least we know that after my surgery...everything is working. And a m/c this early is meaningless so says my RE.

But i have a few questions....

_Should we forget the IUI this month? take a break to let my hormones calm down?

-Even if we get PG with our IUI...is this going to happen? I mean, if it is, do we need to waste $$$?

I’m in love with a lawyer, and you’re going to be jealous.

So, I have to tell you about him. One, because he is so great. Two, because he is dying to read my blog for some unknown reason and I can’t think of a good reason for him not to. Which is why this post will be deleted in a few days. And I don’t love him, but I sure do like his company.

I didn’t really let on just how contentious my leaving my firm was. But it was. Mainly because they owed me a whole lot of money and they ran such a bad business that they had already spent it. Anyway, after I decided that I was leaving…I called J. Who said “come’on girl.”

I’ve known him for a long time. We both prose.cuted in the same district and both have a dark and sick sense of humor. Sharing office space with him means that I get less work done but I sure laugh more than I have at work in a long time. He’s a confirmed bachelor. Which is a shame because he’d make an awesome husband, at least as far as I can tell.

Anyway, I confessed to him about a month ago that we were infertile. While I was in his office eating an apple. We ended up talking about it for an hour. Apparently his little sister has PCOS and it took her and her husband two years and three miscarriages. And his best-friend tried with his wife for years until they just got tired of trying and adopted two beautiful, towheaded children.

It feels like such a relief to have my infertility a known issue in my office. No more jumping up to close my door when I make an RE appointment. No more hiding my awful mood on cd 1.

He even asks, so “how’s your fallopial deal?” or says mockingly “You know if you’d just relax….” To hear this from a forty-year old single lawyer…is just …well,…unexpected.

I’ve prepared him for the awful mood I may be in next week because of clomid. He said he’s going to buy a hockey mask and a long stick if he needs to. He’s promised me that if I get out of hand he’ll use the stick to maneuver me back into my office while protecting his face with the mask.

Yesterday, I said that I hadn’t decided if I would tell him if I got PG. He look surprised and as if to convince me said, “oh, you have to tell me. seriously.” “It’s a big deal. I promise I won’t tell anyone…and I know about miscarriages, so I won’t get my hopes up….”

I mean, is this guy for real? See, don’t you wish you had J for your office mate?

(**if any of you know of a single 35-40ish lady in the ATL maybe we could set them up! He’s attractive. And a really nice guy.)(and would haaattteeee me for pimping for dates...unless it worked out.)

WORD TO THE PEOPLE and OMG Sha.q is HUGE!

Sorry for my absence it has a little something to do with my deciding that my programs file on my computer at work seemed a “little untidy” and my cleaning it up(randomly deleting programs I was pretty sure I didn’t need. not a good idea.) before I loaded the anti-christ of the anti-virus software that is no.rton. Dear Heaven. Lots of crying and cussing. Demanding justice and finally a tech guy who fixed it all in no time and so perfectly that I seriously considered sleeping with him as a thank you. Really. Tech guys need to be thanked.

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So much has happened.  Many missed blogging opportunities. You’ve missed:

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-Chinese Acupuncture lady(I figured since my va-ja-ja speaks Vietnamese and it is my va-ja-ja we’re trying to get to behave…they should at least be able to relate to one another, right?),

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-Her assertion two minutes after meeting me, and completely unknown to her, that I eat too many salads and drink too many glasses of ice water. Which was freaky b/c I do both everyday.

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-a planned medicated IUI in 3 weeks, (I’m tres nervous about the shot k will administer. And especially given that it will come after a week of me on clomid. Which will inevitable mean that I’ll yell at him all week. Wait, is this safe?)

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-K’s discovered aversion to identical twins, which freaked both myself and the RE when he announced it. (K: if we do have twins they won’t be identical, right? RE and I: Um, what’s the difference? K: All serious like “identical twins are freaky….seriously they live together until they’re thirty, they marry brothers and work at the same jobs…I’m just not ok with that.)

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-I’ve insisted that he ice his crotch and avoid all hot sauce and spicy food which he seems not to like so much. He’s also going with me to acupuncture to tomorrow. Which he’s been complaining about all week. He mentioned something about “our needing to save money and that, after all, his last s/a said he had 40 million “

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-I belong to a chat room for infertiles…and I swear everyone of them is PG all of a sudden. I’m very excited. And it makes me hopeful. But as it happens when people get PG they oftentimes quit communicating with us un-pregnant infertiles. And that sucks. It only intensifies the left behind feeling.

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-I went to my second in life professional basketball game. We had k’s tickets from work which are amazing. Anyway, I saw Sha.q up close. Dear Heavens that man is freaky large. I mean, seriously. I came up to his knee. It made me think how fun it'd be to go with him to a carnival. you could just hold onto his right leg. And he'd carry you on his foot all around the fair. You could eat cotton-candy in one hand and hold onto his calf with the other. Everyone would smile. Maybe they'd climb on with you?

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So, all in all, just another week in the life of a snarky infertile.

DIRECTIONALLY challenged

So the deal with my laparoscopy was that we were to wait two months before trying again. Which we did. And then to try for three months before moving forward with IUI’s. This month will be month three.

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I’ve made an appointment with bigmoniedresearchuniversityhospital so that we can begin the procedures for an IUI.

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The more I think about it the more I am uncomfortable with an IUI  (either medicated or not) right now for a lot of reasons. I don’t feel right. And not in a Watson way. (hee, hee…I’m just kidding and I am the nutty one…you’ll know that for a fact when in a few days I confess to throwing absorbent objects onto the car behind me at a stop light. ahem. ).

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My system just feels out of whack. I am still spotting from a period that began a week ago. My cycles have always been five days no questions asked. (as an aside what exactly would those questions be? dear oneliner, would you like me to continue for five more days…how’d you like those cramps?) So, I’m regular. And I’ve never, to my knowledge, had EWCM..ever, And believe me when I tell you I have braved the Chewbacca to find out. This could have something to do with the endometriosis that my doctor found…or from my gut feeling that something isn’t right.

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I’ve done research and have always thought TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) might help me achieve a pregnancy. It always sat weird with me that I got pregnant two days after I got referred to the Reproductive Endocrinologist. I fought for that referral and when we got it I remember feeling an overriding since of peace.

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So, I think that since of peace helped me achieve my pregnancy.

Peace isn’t a state that describes my being. My childhood, while happy sometimes, left me constantly stressed. No stability. And my life, which is stable, consists of a lot of stress. And even though, I have trials and deal with cases where peoples lives are on the line-all of them are facing significant jail time or deportation, I think my stress is from unresolved issues from my past.

Which I know I am close to resolving. Counseling, k, mediation, and lots of self-reflection have brought me here.

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I think TCM would close the deal. K does not. K wants to do a medicated IUI yesterday and move on. So, our compromise is to put off an IUI for about two months to give me time to start TCM. (I’ve also refused to compromise on his going to acupuncture as well.)

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That’s a decision I like. Although I’m skeptical of TCM practioners. My feeling is that a lot of them are unqualified quacks with a couple of knowledgeable practioners thrown in the mix. Thus, finding a practioner isn’t going to be easy.

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Do any of you think I’m making a wrong turn? Don’t be shy I can take it.

My OPRAH “A-HA" (pronounced A-JA) VA-JA-JA" Moment

So, it occurs to me that every time I find myself up on a table butt naked from the waist down …some freak walks in. Hence my marriage. My bikini wax this weekend proved no different.

While at this resort, K and I decided we’d go swimming. Which was weird since it was unseasonably chilly and I didn’t have a swim suit. Not to mention the Chewbacca in my pants. (BTW….I blame the “ROOAAAARRR” every time I rolled over of the Chewbacca in my pants on our lack of vaca sex. K does too. While he’s mostly fearless…every man has a fear of that roar. )

So, while k played golf on one of the most beautiful golf courses (hydrologists and the colorado river be damned) I worked on taming Chewbacca and acquiring a swimsuit. Neither proved fun nor amusing.

Even though it is seventy degrees nearly year round….people only swim in the summer. Or they swim in the nude because finding a swim suit proved almost impossible. I say all this so that you won’t think so poorly of me when I confess that I bought a swim suit at J.C.Penneys. (Macy’s sales person’s response to my “do you have any swim suits?” “its march?!?!” (hey, don’t you think J.C. Penneys should change their slogan to “managing to stay in business by forcing bad fashion on a captive audience?”)

After I spent two hours trying to find a swim suit I returned to said resort just in time for my Chewbacca taming appointment.

So, I’m lying on table with one of those silly paper underwear deals on and in walks this eighteen year old smacking day old gum. ( I say day old…although…I don’t really know but I guess it was old because its toughness forced her to chop down on the little pink gob like an old horse).

Smarshy excepted (unless he, like a couple of my guy friends, gets man-scaped)…we all know that you go through the torture of waxing to avoid those ungodly bumps that look worse than the previous occupants, (is it weird to talk about previous occupants of your va-ja-ja? Or just not at dinner?)

So, she precedes to make the area look a little less rain-foresty. And my god does she suck. Good grief. I mean, how hard is it? In what waxing world is it ok to REWAX an area within 2 seconds. “Oh, look I missed one hair lets remove that third layer of skin…” Dear God it hurt. And the bumps afterwards were hideous and have I told you how much she sucked?

During the few, non-seething, brutally painful moments I happen to hear her say through endless gum smacking that she would never get waxed because it hurt so bad. What? Luckily for her, the gratuity was included. We didn't, of course, go swimming.

So, lying there on the table, with the fake underwear on with an eighteen year old pulling at my nether regions with a ferocity henceforth unknown…it occurs to me that I have exposed my poor little va-ja-ja to many a suspicious person who then proceeded to do unthinkable things.

What if this…all of this… is my va-ja-ja’s reaction.? Right? My poor little va-ja-ja. Invaded by a man with a unibrow who “let me insert” the magic wand, countless doctor’s with bad bed-side manners…some with scalpels and lasers and waxers with ill intent.

I mean how much can one va-ja-ja take? What if it is on strike. “Sure, my va-ja-ja thinks…you force scary man with uniborw and wand on me…and watch this. No baby for you. You allow scariness near me….I disallow baby exit. (I am not exactly sure why my va-ja-ja talks like an old Vietnamese lady…).Hopefully, you see what I mean.

So, my new strategy is to enter negotiations with my va-ja-ja. What does it want? What are its terms? No more waxers? No scary dude with unibrow (I’m definitely willing to sacrifice this one) No more scalpels? A new car?

ON being

I am not. Major temp drop this a.m.

The weird thing? While I cried this morning in the shower…I’m okay with not being pregnant.

It's no longer going to mean I lay around crying. Or feel despondant all day and weekend.

And that’s a good thing. Besides the obvious implications, my not being sad means that I have gained ground in my pursuit of not letting infertility dominate my life. It means the the yoga, mediation, and the visits to the psychologist are working. I am working.

Because the thing is, I may not get pregnant next month either, or the next, and I am going to have to live. And having a baby would be a great thing but it's not the beginning and ending of my happiness.

This life is a great life whether I have a baby or not, and the decision to mope around for the next ten-fifteen years…is just that…a decision to…

So, I’d like to be pregnant. But I am not. And that is just what it is.